I am so sorry if you are reading this due to being told that your baby will be stillborn. I have been there too and am sending you all my love as you face the most difficult days ahead.
Nothing can prepare you emotionally for what you are having to go through but I have written this from my own reflection of having gone through this and from reading the countless stories of other families who have shared their experience as they faced this devastating journey. This gives you an insight of how we felt on the day we met our beautiful little Arran to the months that followed that day.
When we were told that Arran's heart had stopped beating, I just wanted him out. The pain of prolonging this was just added torture. At least that is what my mind said in those moments. Thankfully, I had had a cup of tea and it was not an option as I was going to be having a section. I had two choices. Stay in hospital and wait it out until I could be operated on or go home and come back in the morning. We decided to go home and come back in the morning. Looking back, I am glad I got those final moments with Arran all nestled inside me but it was incredibly sad at the same time. The silent, still belly. The rolling, the moving, the kicking, no longer there. We cried many tears. We had thoughts that they got it wrong, that they would get him out and he would be fine but knowing deep down that it was very unlikely. Once he is out, we would have to say goodbye, how can we do that.
You are still in control of your birth and how you wish it to be.
Speak to your midwife about putting a birth plan together and share your ideas. Perhaps you would like special music played or certain scents in your room. Who would you like to be with you?
When we left the hospital after being told Arran's heart was no longer beating, we weren't given any information on what to expect. I had just been told my baby had died and I was sent home with nothing further. I share my experience with you to help you best prepare for the birth of your beautiful little baby and to help you make the most of the smallest amount of time you have with them. Some of this comes from regret of things I wish I could go back and do but mostly from what we are so thankful for. I hope this will help with some thoughts and questions you may have.
How you chose to prepare for the birth and whether you choose to see your baby is completely an individual choice. I knew without a doubt that I wanted to see Arran but I was also scared because I didn't know how he would look, no one told us. Campbell on the other hand, initially thought he didn't want to see Arran. He thought it would make it less painful by not seeing him. It was the moment he was lifted from my belly and Laura, my sister-in-law, announced how beautiful he was and how he looked just like a sleeping baby that Campbell couldn't help but look. He is so thankful that he made that decision. What we would discover is that there may be skin discolouration and peeling of the skin. You may be scared just like we were but I will promise you something, they will be the most beautiful little thing you have ever seen.
If you decide not to see your baby then consider having the midwives take some pictures for you. These can be stored for you should you ever wish to see them in the future. I have read stories of many woman who made the decision not to see their baby and had no pictures taken whom have now expressed their regret at never knowing what their baby looked like. Is it better to have them and not see them than to want to see them and not have them?
My brain seemed to stop working after we were told Arran had died. What would I need to take for a baby who was not going to be born alive or come home?
I did ask myself if stillborn babies need nappies. I took nappies and clothes and yes, both were used. You may want to take a few outfits, their body may leak small amounts of fluid which is a natural process. We changed Arran during our time with him, it made us feel like we were caring for him, doing what we should be doing for him. It's a very precious memory.
Bath your baby if you are able to. Look at every inch of their tiny little body and soak it all in. Capture it in pictures and videos. Take pictures of their tiny little feet and hands, their hair, their ears. I remember weeks later, frantically looking through our pictures trying to find a picture of Arran's ear. I didn't remember seeing his ears, he always had his wee hat on.
It's the other little things I didn't think of like special items you may have wanted included in any photographs like Ben's favourite toy he had given to Arran. Block letters which make his name. Special little items we had bought just for him. Have a think of any items you may want to include in your photographs.
Take moulds of your baby's hands and feet. I wish I would have known or thought to do this. They are absolutely beautiful.
A memory box will be provided to help inspire you to create some memories with your baby. Take your time to look through it and what is inside. You may not feel like it, I felt like that too. I would encourage you to, it has been specially put together by other bereaved parents who feel your pain.
Invite family and friends to come and see your baby if that is your wish. Read to them, sing to them, and dance with them. Take pictures, more pictures and then some more. Take videos.
University Wishaw Hospital work with a charity who offer to come in and take professional photos free of charge for bereaved parents. You can ask if this is available in your hospital too. This is something I would have loved to have had done but unfortunately Covid restrictions prevented that from happening.
Our wonderful midwife at University Hospital Wishaw, Jane, arranged for the chaplain to come in and perform a naming ceremony for Arran.
We are so thankful she did, it just felt so special and is a wonderful memory to hold on to. You may not feel like doing any of this, the grief is indescribable. We felt overwhelmed at times but now I really cherish the memories we made and the small little things we could do with our time with Arran. I think I will always wish I had done more with him but I knew very little then. I cherish the memory box that we were gifted and every single little thing inside it. It is all we have left of Arran.
Please don't choose not to do things in fear of being judged or by thinking others will think it is weird. We all grieve differently and we all need to do what is going to help us move forward as best we can. In grief, there is no right way or wrong way, IT'S YOUR WAY.
More information on preparing for the birth of your stillborn baby can be found at Tommy's