We found out in November 2019 that we were pregnant and what an exciting time it was. Ben had been asking for a long time for a baby and he was finally getting one. We were so excited to tell him. My pregnancy with Ben was fairly straight forward so I looked forward to this one and we were so excited to have Ben share this amazing journey with us. He was going to be the best big brother ever!
A few weeks after seeing those wonderful 2 lines, I started getting really bad nausea and fatigue. I didn't have this with Ben so I was convinced it was twins as they run in my family, my mum is a twin. Finally after what seemed like eternity, our 12 week scan appointment came in for the 15th January 2020 and there he was, our perfect little boy, of course we didn't know he was a boy at that time. As our scan was before the Covid-19 lockdown in March 2020, Campbell was allowed in with me. That would be the only scan he was able to attend. Arran was being a bit cheeky actually and wouldn't behave for the sonographer. She had me jumping up and down and twisting and turning to get him into position. She managed to get all the measurements she needed and everything was looking great. Now that we knew there was only one baby in there, I convinced myself it was a girl because of how I was feeling. Ben said it would be awesome if it was a boy but would still be ok if it was a girl. Either way he was just so happy at becoming a big brother.
I was working, doing a full time course at college and running a house but I soldiered on with the morning sickness and exhaustion. We had our 20 week scan and again all was looking well. As the weeks progressed I was measuring quite big and was scheduled in for a 30 week scan. Lockdown was well and truly underway by this point so I had to attend the appointment on my own. Campbell and I had discussed whether we should have found out the babies gender at our 20 week scan as it would make getting organised for their arrival a little smoother as we didn't know how long we would be in lockdown for. I mentioned this to the sonographer at our 30 week scan and she asked if I wanted to know. I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to know, Campbell and I did not make a definite decision but I told her to tell me. It's a boy she said, my heart could have burst with joy! I wasn't particularly bothered whether it was a boy or girl, I would have been delighted with either but I knew Ben was so hoping the baby would be a boy. Campbell had already convinced himself it was a boy. I was so excited to tell them both, I could barely contain myself. The sonographer made a lovely picture to give to Big Brother Ben from his little brother. His estimated weight at 30+4 weeks was 4lbs 6oz.
Arran's scan at 30 weeks
I was referred for another scan which took place on Friday, 26th of June, I was 36+5 weeks and again I had to attend on my own. There Arran was on screen, looking perfect, heart beating away nicely. The sonographer said that she estimated his weight to be approximately 9lbs and that I had polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid). I would need to have my bloods taken today to check for gestational diabetes. When I was finished with the sonographer another nurse took me away for bloods. I was told these would be prioritised and if there were any abnormalities then I would hear back the same day. I never heard anything back that day and therefore assumed all was well.
It was agreed fairly early in my pregnancy that Arran would be delivered via section at approximately 39 weeks. This was on account of having an emergency c-section with Ben and Arran's forecasted size. I had an appointment with my midwife and my consultant at 9am on Tuesday the 30th of June. We were going to discuss the results of the scan which was done on the 26th of June and we would decide on a date for my section. We were so excited. I told Ben the night before that in about 14 days we would be meeting his little brother.
I arrived to my appointment and in the waiting area, I met my sister-in-law, Laura, who is a midwife and works where I was being cared for. We laughed and we chatted and she shared in our excitement that we would be meeting our sweet little boy soon. I truly believed in that moment that Arran was safe and well inside me. Little did I know that our world would come crashing down and all the excitement was to be ripped away, leaving nothing but grief, sorrow, heartache and longing.
My midwife came and got me from the waiting area and as we walked to her room she mentioned that my bloods were really high and that they wanted me back in. I told her I knew nothing of this, no one phoned me but nothing further was mentioned at that point. As usual, she asked me about Arran's movements. I told her that Arran was having a quiet day but this was not unusual for him. Arran had always been more of a roller than a kicker. I could feel him rolling about so I wasn't concerned. She asked me to pop onto the bed and we would have a wee listen to his heart. She put the Doppler on my stomach and tried to find Arran's heartbeat. She was very calm throughout and at one point said she wasn't sure if that was Arran's or mine. She said she would get the consultant in who would most likely find it. The consultant came in and I went back onto the bed. She was asking questions as she was trying to find Arran's heartbeat but it's all such a blur to me now. She said that she couldn't find Arran's heartbeat and told me to go home, get Campbell and go straight to Wishaw Maternity to have a scan, she would meet me there.
I was beginning to panic now but I remembered this happening to my sister when she was pregnant. She called me at work one day and was very upset. She had to go to hospital, her little baby's heartbeat could not be detected by the Doppler and she needed me to take her. We got to the hospital and there it was, a very healthy little heartbeat. I left that room desperately hoping it would be the same for us, that we would get there and they would tell us everything was fine.
As I left the room in a daze of disbelief, I met my sister-in-law, Laura. She smiled as she asked how it went. I explained that they couldn't find his heartbeat. She quickly turned to go into the room I just came from just as my midwife came back out to get me. When I re-entered the room, my consultant asked if I understood why I was being sent to Wishaw for a scan, my answer was Yes, to make sure Arran is ok. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was expecting bad news but I wasn't ready to believe that yet. As I drove home I rubbed my belly over and over again, pleading for Arran to be ok, for everything to be fine.
Due to lockdown restrictions, Campbell would not be allowed into the hospital with me for the scan. As Laura was a working midwife, she would be allowed into the hospital and therefore bravely came so I wouldn't have to be alone. The sonographer came in and began. The volume on the machine was turned off, the silence was deafening and seemed to go on forever. Then she turned the machine on and all I could hear was static, there was no distinct thumping noise of Arran's heartbeat. Laura squeezed my hand and I knew. When I heard those shattering words no one ever wants to hear, all I wanted was Campbell with me. I still get angry at times that he couldn't be there. He is Arran's father and he should have been there, but I am thankful that I had Laura and that I didn't have to be alone.
Shortly afterwards, I was told that Campbell would be allowed in to be with me. Laura agreed to go to the car, to tell him and to bring him in. As she left, I looked out the window and to my surprise our car was parked right outside. I watched as Laura delivered the most devastating outcome. The feeling of guilt was overwhelming. It was my job to keep our baby safe and my body had failed to do that. I knew Campbell would not be expecting what he was being told, he was so sure on our drive to the hospital that everything was perfectly ok. He was finally with me. We just held each other and cried like we had never cried before.
Campbell and I couldn't believe what was happening, how was this happening, I saw Arran on a monitor only a few days ago, how could we possibly tell Ben that the little brother he had waited so long for and who was so close to coming home, was no longer going to be coming home. Campbell and I could barely process what was happening in our heads, how on earth would a 7 year old be able to make sense of any of this. There are no fitting words to describe the pain you feel. Everything you hoped for, planned for, dreamed of and imagined all taken away from you and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
I was booked in for the following morning at 10am and we would proceed with the section to deliver Arran. Now it was time to go home and tell Ben that his baby brother would not be coming home. That was one of the most difficult things we have had to do. We were prepared for all the happiness that Arran would bring but now all we were faced with was unimaginable grief.
We arrived at the hospital shortly before 10am. I can't really remember going from the car to our room, my mind seems to have blocked that out. Once arriving at our room we spoke about the delivery, what our wishes were afterwards and we were also introduced to the anaesthetist. She was so lovely and kind. She cried with us and she told me she could put me to sleep at anytime, I only had to say. I wanted to be awake, I wanted to be there as Arran entered the world. I was scared for this section. With Ben it was a different experience. His was very rushed, there was no time to think about anything and I was in so much pain at that point I'd have done anything to make it stop. With Arran it was very planned, very peaceful and very calm, but I was so scared. It was time. Campbell went to get his scrubs on and would meet me in theatre. As I walked through the corridor towards the operating theatre, my heart was pounding, the tears were unstoppable, I was so scared about what I was about to face. This was it, I was finally about to meet my little baby boy but I would also have to say goodbye. Still not believing just exactly what we were having to go through. My wonderful midwife, Claire, took hold of my hand as we walked. I will never be able to express to her how such a small little gesture had such an impact and was exactly what I needed in that moment.
Our precious little boy, Arran, ever so silently entered the the world on the 1st of July 2020 at 11:22 weighing 8lbs 15.5oz and was just absolutely perfect. It is hard to understand why and how this could happen when he was so perfect. He was so like his big brother. We made the decision not to let Ben see him, a decision that we will never know if it was the correct one or not but felt at the time it would just be too traumatic for him. We have beautiful pictures of Arran for his brother to look at, but I still find myself wondering if we made the right decision and how much I would have loved to have had the memories and some pictures of the two of them together.
We were able to spend time that we needed with Arran and to prepare ourselves to say goodbye. We stayed with him from Wednesday when he was delivered, until Friday, and we were able to do that thanks to the use of a cuddle cot. The midwives helped us make special memories with Arran that we will treasure for a lifetime. We had imprints of his tiny hands and feet made and saved a lock of his hair. Our truly amazing midwife, Jane, also arranged to have a naming ceremony performed which was just so special. I would have stayed there with Arran forever if I could have.
Nothing can prepare you for having to leave the hospital without your baby. It's such a cruel process that there is no avoiding. The corridors seem longer and the air seems almost impossible to breath in. But one step at a time you somehow make it.
We opted to have a post mortem carried out as we needed to know why this happened. This came back inconclusive. Arran was a perfectly healthy little boy and no one had any answers for us as why this happened and why we lost him. We will never know what caused everything to go so horribly wrong.
Arran is very much part of our lives, we talk about him every day. We have beautiful pictures and reminders of him around our house but the hole he has left within our hearts will linger for a whole lifetime. It's been little over a year now as I write this, and some days are still far tougher than others. We smile and we laugh but every day there will always be a stinging pain of Arran not being here with us. We will continue to keep his memory alive in everything we do and helping other families who face a similar journey is a positive gift that we hope to pay forward from the most devastating loss of our beautiful, very much wanted and loved little baby, Arran.